I think I'm in a strange place. Once again. But I think everybody goes through a similar strange place. The place of not knowing who he/she is.
I know that some people are reasonably assured - confident, in fact - of where they want to be in 5 years. I mean, I don't mean that they KNOW where they'll be in 5 years. Just that they KNOW, NOW, where they want to be in 5 years time. Perhaps they'd like to be married. Or be doing post graduate studies. Or climbing the corporate ladder. The point is, they know where they want to be. And they know what they want.
I don't.
I think that I do want to be a lecturer. Coincidentally, I was reading through past entries of @UVLight; and I realised that I did, somewhere, state that I wanted to be a Maths Lecturer. Something about teaching Maths to people who are really interested in it. That ship has sailed; so shall I settle for Materials Scientist?
And then we have to consider that as far as career path is concerned, I'm actually more certain in it than in my relationship path. Perhaps because to me, career path is something that you can retire from, but a relationship is something that you have to work with and on for the rest of your life. AND it is much easier to change career paths than relationship path. AND so on.
So as far as I can see, working on relationships and friendships are more important. And its also the thing that I seem to suck at.
Feedback on academic progress, and thus fidelity to the above career path, comes twice a year. Once in early June, once in late December. This time, I opted to allow myself to be woken up with my result slip via sms. So, at the cost of one marginally sleepless night; I wasn't compelled to force my cardio muscles to go into overdrive in anxiety. Especially since that overdrive would have been in vain, so to speak. So I was woken up to the fact that I'm very much on track academically. At the very least, I have options open; even if my Business CAP is obeying the law of Gravity and free-falling. And here I ought to point out that being a Business Professor was never part of the plan.
Feedback on my relationships and friendships comes once in a while too. Unfortunately, from what I gather, the general summary is that I'm a useless son and and selfish friend. Three years ago I would have tried to better myself and be more useful and selfless. I did, in fact. Three years on, it seems that, like the Madoff or Profitable Plot scams, the returns were fictitious at best. So, three years on, I am hearing the same feedback. And worse, this time I'm believing it. I've been convinced well and truly that its my nature. And I just lack the energy to do anything about it. Except perhaps run away.
So my 'Educational Tour' to Europe couldn't possibly come at a more opportune time. Forget the weak Euro. Forget the fact that its a month and a half with close friends. Forget the fact that its going to be awesome. Or yava. It needs to be educational at the same time. I desperately need it to teach me who I am. And to teach me how to be who I want to be.
Not this irresponsible, self-involved, antisocial quitter.
Perhaps.
I know that some people are reasonably assured - confident, in fact - of where they want to be in 5 years. I mean, I don't mean that they KNOW where they'll be in 5 years. Just that they KNOW, NOW, where they want to be in 5 years time. Perhaps they'd like to be married. Or be doing post graduate studies. Or climbing the corporate ladder. The point is, they know where they want to be. And they know what they want.
I don't.
I think that I do want to be a lecturer. Coincidentally, I was reading through past entries of @UVLight; and I realised that I did, somewhere, state that I wanted to be a Maths Lecturer. Something about teaching Maths to people who are really interested in it. That ship has sailed; so shall I settle for Materials Scientist?
And then we have to consider that as far as career path is concerned, I'm actually more certain in it than in my relationship path. Perhaps because to me, career path is something that you can retire from, but a relationship is something that you have to work with and on for the rest of your life. AND it is much easier to change career paths than relationship path. AND so on.
So as far as I can see, working on relationships and friendships are more important. And its also the thing that I seem to suck at.
*~*
Feedback on academic progress, and thus fidelity to the above career path, comes twice a year. Once in early June, once in late December. This time, I opted to allow myself to be woken up with my result slip via sms. So, at the cost of one marginally sleepless night; I wasn't compelled to force my cardio muscles to go into overdrive in anxiety. Especially since that overdrive would have been in vain, so to speak. So I was woken up to the fact that I'm very much on track academically. At the very least, I have options open; even if my Business CAP is obeying the law of Gravity and free-falling. And here I ought to point out that being a Business Professor was never part of the plan.
Feedback on my relationships and friendships comes once in a while too. Unfortunately, from what I gather, the general summary is that I'm a useless son and and selfish friend. Three years ago I would have tried to better myself and be more useful and selfless. I did, in fact. Three years on, it seems that, like the Madoff or Profitable Plot scams, the returns were fictitious at best. So, three years on, I am hearing the same feedback. And worse, this time I'm believing it. I've been convinced well and truly that its my nature. And I just lack the energy to do anything about it. Except perhaps run away.
So my 'Educational Tour' to Europe couldn't possibly come at a more opportune time. Forget the weak Euro. Forget the fact that its a month and a half with close friends. Forget the fact that its going to be awesome. Or yava. It needs to be educational at the same time. I desperately need it to teach me who I am. And to teach me how to be who I want to be.
Not this irresponsible, self-involved, antisocial quitter.
*~*
Perhaps.
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