What lies beyond the Universe, i used to ask. I used to imagine space as a box (an ever expanding box, granted thanks to the expansion of the Universe, which I knew about even then). But still i would wonder what happens when you get to the end of it.
I'm so tired of everything. Tuition has ended - the 'A' level maths exam is over tomorrow. And so that chapter is over. But now i am left with nothing but my studies. And I cannot make that first in my life. I don't know what's beyond this phase.
Worse, I dont know how to be happy. I need to know how to be happy. I just don't know.
I think my path laid out for me is a very slippery slope - easy to get onto the wrong path. Easy to fall into a ravine where there is only more misery. Only problem is I think this chosen path has a lot of thorns to fight against. There we go - more misery again.
I know i should be grateful i don't have to worry about exams - they are one less thing to worry about and technically they're my element. I could live my life just doing them; i know i must sound super weird and nerdy. But there's smthg abt solving questions that other people can't that really ought to make you feel good about yourself? Probably the same reason why some people run marathons on end. Or become astronauts.
But for now, this year, i think even exams can't cheer me up. The metaphorical octane that i'd use to drive me forward seems to be tainted. I feel like an old car spewing out black smoke, as far as exam preparations are concerned.
As far as life is concerned, I think i'm just the black smoke.
This is as much as a prayer - teach me to be happy.